


Human Courtship of the Vulcan Variety

by pmastamonkmonk



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-11
Updated: 2014-11-11
Packaged: 2018-02-25 00:44:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2602325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pmastamonkmonk/pseuds/pmastamonkmonk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim wasn't sure whether he wanted to laugh or kiss him. Or both.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Human Courtship of the Vulcan Variety

“Pick up lines, Captain?”

“Jim,” he corrected absently, moving his knight. 

With the wise words of Alpha Spock – as Jim liked to call him – the young captain had sought ways to start a friendship between himself and his first officer in the early days of their five year mission. It had been rocky at first, but the real changing point had been when McCoy had let slip that he was fond of chess, a hobby Spock shared. With the commonality giving them a foothold, they’d quickly found other things they had in common and an easy relationship had formed within the eighteen months they’d shared in space. The games continued regularly, and, as they began to relax around each other, it had quickly become commonplace in for Spock to voice inquiries about common human practices to better understand them while observing the board between them. 

Jim was exceptionally happy that Spock entrusted these questions to him, as opposed to Uhura – though the relationship between the two had ended a few months prior, it had been on good terms - or someone else. It made him feel warm and fuzzy to be Spock’s source of knowledge, to be the one he trusted. “Yeah, they’re silly little sayings to break the ice when you meet someone you’d like to… “ he paused, trying to find a non-vulgar phrasing, “get to know better,”

“I fail to see how a proper introduction would falter in such situation,”

“It’s not about being properly introduced,” Jim replied, trying to find the best way to explain their purpose. “Say you’re in a bar and you see someone you’d like to,” he paused again, wondering if the social norms of their cultures could actually relate here. Promiscuity didn’t seem to be a very Vulcan thing, as far as he could tell. “They’re used for picking up prospective sexual partners,” he finally settled on. “You see someone you’re interested in and want to get their attention, so you say something comical with your intentions to gauge their interest. Usually with other people around, since you could gauge interest other ways when you’re alone... and they sometimes can be used to start a romantic relationship, as well. The point is to get their attention on you. The more common ones that are used can get pretty silly, really.”

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “Such as?”

Jim hummed in thought, he hadn’t used a pick up line in a while; more often than not he was the one being approached nowadays. “What’s the weight of a polar bear? Enough to break the ice. Then you’d introduce yourself and strike up conversation if they were willing,”

“That is…” _retarded_ , “most illogical,”

“Never said it was suave,” Jim countered, watching Spock move a pawn and countering with one of his own, “but it is an integral part of human courtship,”

Spock was silent for a long moment before taking hold of his queen and shifting it. “I see,”

Jim moved his bishop, grinning. “Checkmate.”

\--

A few days later, Jim stood waiting for a turbo lift with McCoy, regaling him with some bit of gossip he’d picked up from an Ensign earlier in the day when Spock approached. His shoulders, if possible, stiffer than usual and his gait determined. The conversation paused and Jim turned to Spock, the other man’s eyes slightly narrowed as if in contemplation. “Can… I help you, Spock?”

Casting a glance to McCoy, Spock let his eyes close, lips thinning. “If I were to insinuate that your person was aesthetically pleasing, would you be likely to bring it within closer proximity to my own?”

There was a long pause as the two humans stared at him blankly. “Did you just…” McCoy shook his head to clear it. “Did you just use a pick up line?”

Spock’s face was tinting green, and when it seemed that Jim wasn’t going to answer him – still flabbergasted as he was – he turned and walked away. McCoy turned between the two, gesturing widely. 

“Did he just use a pick up line? Cause that sounded pretty damn close to the ‘hot body hold it against me’,”

“I didn’t think Vulcans used pick up lines,” Jim mused, shaking his head and staring down the hall in confusion

“If they all sound that bad, no wonder they don’t spread the word,”

After the next shift together, where Spock seemed to be back to normal, Jim wrote off the incident as his friend testing out new knowledge with someone he trusted. Curiosity embarrassed the Vulcan Science Officer, as it were. Still, he did find himself sometimes snickering as his mind replayed Spock’s words in his head, attempting to translate a few other lines into Spock-talk, all coming up sillier and sillier in the process.

It wasn’t until the next evening, when Jim and Spock had settled for dinner in the mess hall together, that it happened again.

“Captain, as Starfleet directive 45-C-1 clearly states that no weapons are to be brought into the mess except in an emergency, I can only conclude that, indeed, that is not a phaser in your pocket,”

Jim’s hand stilled, fork half way to his mouth, brow knitting. Did he just…?

“It would also be logical,” Spock continued, as if commenting on a very fascinating nebula, “that you are ‘happy’ to see me,”

Staring at him, fork lowering to his tray, Jim tried to form words. “Is… is that a phaser in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” he asked, incredulous. Spock’s face was burning green again, and without a word he stood and stalked out of the room, leaving his tray behind.

Jim stared at his retreating form, eyes wide. Was… was Spock hitting on him? He’d been very curious of human courtship for the past few weeks, though the pick-up line conversation had been the first time he’d inquired on how to instigate courtship. As far as he knew, Spock hadn’t been using any of his ridiculous lines on anyone else, and he was _sure_ that word of it would have gotten around if he had been.

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or to go kiss him. 

The next morning at breakfast brought a flushed Spock inquiring about the content of possible Vulcan DNA in his genetic makeup, which to his negative answer of having any Vulcan in him, was replied with an inquiry of his desire to “modify that statement”. Again, Spock seemed too embarrassed by the words passing his lips to await an answer and fled before Jim could respond, spending the bridge shift not speaking to anyone, disappearing into the turbo lift right after.

Jim was still contemplating how to approach the subject without embarrassing Spock further a few hours later when the door to his quarters buzzed. “Come,” he called, not looking up from the report in front of him. When no one answered, he glanced up, brow knit, “Door’s open!”

When again no one answered, he rose and crossed the room. Standing in the hallway was an already flushed Spock who, without preamble, almost _stuttered_ out, “Would you consent to… placing yourself on my seated form, such that we may…” if possible, he blushed even more, “engage in a discussion regarding whichever topic may come to our attention?”

_Wanna sit on my lap and we’ll talk about whatever comes up?_

Jim bit his lip in his attempt not to laugh, reaching forward and taking Spock’s wrist before he could run away. The other man’s eyes widened in horror at the prospect of being pulled into the room, but didn’t fight as the door shut behind him. “Spock, are you hitting on me?” he teased.

“I was…” he fumbled for a moment, “attempting to ascertain your opinion of me courting you… yes,”

“And the pick-up lines? They work better when you don’t run away afterwards.”

Spock stared at the floor, hands clenching into fists. “I found myself… illogically compromised by saying such things,”

Jim felt his heart melt. Spock, tight-laced total control Spock, was letting himself be embarrassed just to let Jim know he wanted to court him. “Spock, you could’ve just said something, you know. You didn’t have to use lines on me,”

“Human courtship dictates-“

“You’re only half human. And pick-up lines are supposed to be used on strangers,” Jim laughed, taking both of Spock’s hands into his, trying to get his gaze back. “I should have said that when I explained them, but I never expected you of all people to try a pick-up line on me,”

Spock looked up at him timidly. “So I may stop?”

“Well… do you have any others in mind? I’d like to hear them anyways,” Jim grinned. “Hell, the others worked pretty well, all things considered, I do want you to court me… but I wanted that before you started using silly pick up lines,”

That seemed to relax the tension out of Spock’s shoulders. “You would be amenable to courting?”

“I think that’s what I just said, yeah,” he smiled, resisting the urge to kiss him. He was just so cute sometimes. “So, any more?”

Spock shifted awkwardly, “One,” he admitted. “Though I am reluctant to voice it,”

“Voice it and I’ll kiss you,” Jim offered, “the human way.” He knew that their joined hands was a close approximation to kissing, and simply by taking them the way he had was an acceptance of courtship by Vulcan terms – but Spock probably didn’t know that he’d researched that himself.

Spock looked like he wanted to bite his lip, head ducking shyly. It was one of the most adorable things Jim had seen in his life. “Your…” he paused, closing his eyes, “footwear appears to be both comfortable and practical. Would you be adverse to sexual relations?”

Jim stared. _Nice shoes, wanna fuck?_ Really? “You… oh my god, you’re…” he laughed when Spock really did bite his lip in embarrassment, wrenching him up into a kiss. Spock was too shocked to respond and Jim pulled back, still laughing. “You’re too amazing, you know that?”

“I… am uncertain as to what you are referri-“ he was cut off with another kiss, this time managing to respond. Jim pressed close, unable to stop smiling. When he pulled back, Spock looked confused, “Does this mean I do not have to say any more? I would rather not, they grew more and more vulgar as I went down the list,”

Jim pictured Spock on his PADD, looking up common human pick up lines, translating their meanings and then delivering them in the way he had been for what felt like the thousandth time in the past few days. _Have the atmospheric controls for this room defaulted to an unusually high temperature above recommended levels, or is it simply your personage? May I remark that the garments covering your lower body appear unusually reflective today? I find it is possible to view myself on their surface. Pardon me, but I wish to ascertain if you hold a clerical position at the local book repository for I am, indeed, ‘checking you out’ as it were._

Throwing his arms around the other man in a tight hug, he couldn’t stop the laughter shaking his shoulders. Fuck courting, he was going to marry this man.


End file.
